i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
