I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
