I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
