she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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