Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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