M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
