she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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