apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
