She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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