great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
