i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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