the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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