i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
