i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Houston, we have a squirter
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
