I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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