Got a toothbrush?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
