we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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