I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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