Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
