Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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