i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
