I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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