i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
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yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
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I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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