We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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