We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
