i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
