Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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