It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
