i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm just crazy horny about you
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
