never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
