Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
