i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
