I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
