I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
