Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
