Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dear god my vagina.
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