around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
