The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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