Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
