so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
