my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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