I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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