Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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