Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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