I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
