if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
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worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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