Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
