The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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