If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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