She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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