I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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