i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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