I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
