Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
