She is in my trunk
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize