I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
