Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
