she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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