my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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