You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
